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Posted on: June 30, 2010 7:22 pm
 

FIFA Prepared to Adopt Instant Reenactment

The rulings have been questionable, the criticism has been harsh, and the call for change has reached vuvuzela pitch in South Africa. Since its inception FIFA has refused to stray far from its roots; choosing to keep its advancing clock, its limited substitution rules, and its nut-hugging, European-style shorts. FIFA has even successfully thwarted off a strong American push to either change the official name of the sport to soccer or to switch to a more oblong ball. The organization has never felt the sort of pressure that it has faced during this year’s World Cup, and the calls for Instant Replay continue to come. Always the contrarian group, sources have confirmed that FIFA officials will instead announce that, beginning with the 2014 World Cup, they will add something they are calling "Instant Reenactment" to the beautiful game.

“We understand the need for review when a decisive call is in doubt,” confirmed a FIFA official who refused to be named.  “Our desire is to balance the need for limited review while still preserving the integrity of the game. We have found a way to preserve that human element by utilizing Instant Reenactment.”  According to the official, FIFA has already began the process of hiring a group of Civil War enthusiasts and teaching them basic soccer skills. After four years of training with the best coaches and professional actors, the hope is that the group will be proficient enough to reenact questionable calls.  FIFA’s plan is to allow each team one challenge per half. Once a play is challenged, the referee will call for the FIFA International Reenactment Troupe who will perform a reenactment of the controversial play between the North and the South. After viewing the reenactment from an optimum position, the official can choose to confirm or overrule his previous call.   

Due to its vast network of insiders, TSC was able to gain exclusive access to the training site of the troupe in a remote location in the mountains of Virginia. The actors were hard at worked and seemed excited about the chance to star on the world stage in front of millions of fans. “As horrible as soccer officiating is, we know both teams will be using all their challenges. That’s four improvisational skits per match that we need to be ready for.” said John Fulsom, a General in the Union’s 8th Regiment and one of the trainers of the players. “We look at this as a way to help FIFA correct its reputation for game-altering mistakes, while bringing recognition to the American Civil War. People don’t realize that soccer was big with the Union troops.  Lincoln personally loved the game, and the Union troops used to play matches during downtimes using defective cannonball s. Of course the games were low-scoring and they had to replace the goalies after every shot.”

more stories like this at www.sportscomedian.com
Category: Soccer
Posted on: June 29, 2010 8:42 pm
 

Cleveland Mayor "Let's change city to Jamesville"

He is a man with a vision, and that vision has absolutely nothing to do with NBA free agency.  This according to Cleveland’s mayor Frank G. Jackson, who at his weekly press conference claimed that his idea to officially change the name of his city to “Jamesville” and the fact the city’s brightest star is considering a move to a bigger stage this summer are in no way related.  
“I ran on the platform of change,” said Jackson, “and what better way to bring about that change than to just change your name?  Do you realize we’ve been calling ourselves Cleveland since 1796?!?!  To me that says something. . .this is 2010, and a lot has changed.  People expect something new.”  Jackson brushed aside the suggestion that the proposal would be viewed as a last-ditch, desperate plea to get LeBron James to re-sign with the Cavs.  “This has absolutely nothing to do with LeBron James resigning with the Cleveland…excuse me, with the Jamesville Cavaliers,” said Jackson.  “Sure, we want Mr. James to resign and yes, our city’s very survival may depend on it; but there is more to this city than LeBron James.  We have the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, we have a beautiful riverfront somewhere, and I’m fairly sure we have a zoo here too because I remember seeing elephants.” 
When the mayor was reminded that the city is also home to the Indians and the Browns, Jackson and the entire room erupted in spontaneous laughter after which he simply responded, “let’s be serious.”
Jackson went on to explain that he settled on the name Jamesville earlier this year after reading a book about the Founding Fathers of the United States.  When asked on which particular Founding Father Jackson had based the name Jamesville, he paused before replying “I think a lot of them were named James.”  Jackson then vigorously defended his decision to repeal all property taxes for any person making over $15 million annually and living in LeBron James’ house as something that “had been in the works for years,” and stated that the new King James Basketball Center being built in the heart of downtown was not in honor of LeBron, but instead in memory of “the guy who translated the Bible.”
Following the press conference, it was rumored that Chicago’s mayor announced a plan to change the name of Six Flags Great America to LBJ’s Superstar Basketball Funland.  The mayor’s office could not be reached for comment, but we can only assume the change is related to the 36th president of the U.S. and not to LeBron James.

find more stories like this at www.sportscomedian.com
Category: NBA
Posted on: June 27, 2010 10:14 pm
 

USC to leave Pac-10

Thought my fellow Vol fans would appreciate my article from www.sportscomedian.com

"Conference realignment has been the buzz word of the college football off-season and a huge source of confusion for most sports fans.  To sum up the recent changes simply:  Colorado left the Big 12 for the Pac-10, making the Pac-10 actually the Pac-11 and reducing the Big 12 down to the Big 11.  Then the Big Ten (which really had 11 teams) added Nebraska making the Big Ten effectively the Big Twelve and leaving the conference formerly known as the Big 12 with just ten teams.  Then Utah joined the Pac-11 to make it the Pac-12 and we thought things were settling down on the conference shift front.  That is until the stunning announcement that USC will be leaving the Pac-12 conference, making it the Pac-11 again.

“As of today we will be withdrawing our appeal of the recent NCAA sanctions and ordering all NCAA inspectors off our campus,” stated USC athletic director Mike Garrett “We have instead decided to accept an invitation to become a member of the Axis of Evil Conference effective immediately.”  According to Garrett, the school received a call from AOEC officials following news of the harsh NCAA ruling.  It seems the group was looking to replace former AOEC member Iraq following the latter’s transition to a free society and was also looking to expand their evil influence into college football.  “It seems like the perfect fit to us.  The AOEC has experience thumbing their noses at unjust sanctions from overbearing institutions.  They’ve promised us that the puny NCAA will not be a problem and that it will be backroom business as usual at Southern Cal.  We’ve even discussed using their contacts to add a nuclear option to our offensive playbook for the next season. ”

The transition could prove more difficult than USC expects.  TSC has learned that the AOEC requires each member to cut all social and economic ties with the West and to adopt an official language other than Satan’s tongue (read English).  Despite the challenges, new coach Lane Kiffin seems confident.  “I am very happy with this move,” said Kiffin, “Convincing recruits to renounce their United States citizenship may seem hard to some, but we have the best recruiting staff in the entire world here at USC.  We just remind these kids that no matter what evil we may perpetrate, at the end of the day we put people in the pros.”  As for the new language, Kiffin said the team has already begun the process of transitioning over to “whatever that language is that Coach O speaks.”

While Southern Cal fans may be surprised by this recent turn of events, it seems clear that folks in Oakland and Knoxville were right to claim that Lane Kiffin is an evil. . .well not genius, bent on college football dominance just like North Korea’s head man Kim Jong Il and Iran’s skipper Mahmoud Ackm. . .Mahmoud Ahmi. . .the beady-eyed, bearded dude.  “USC is a very strong and powerful school,” said Kiffin, “much too powerful to submit to the rule of any conference and especially to the whims of an organization as biased as the NCAA.  The AOEC was attractive to us on many levels:  First, they have no restrictions on recruiting which fits in with the way we do things here at USC; B) they have assured me that we can add the Southeastern Conference, Urban Meyer and all Tennessee fans to the AOEC list of sworn enemies; and 3) their football national champion is determined by supreme leader instead of by some stupid BCS formula invented by greedy capitalists.”  

find more stories like this at www.sportscomedian.com
Category: NCAAF
Posted on: September 27, 2009 10:09 pm
Edited on: September 28, 2009 9:57 am
 

Winners, Losers, and Lucky SOBs

Its time for a recap of this weekend's college football action.

Winners:

Alabama - As I say this I am trying to keep from vomiting, but Alabama looks like the best team in the nation.   They made a good offense in Arkansas look average.  This stinks for me, cause I know way too many obnoxious Tide fans that I have to see way too often.  Come on somebody, beat these guys, please!

Texas - Sure they played UTEP, but they took care of bid-ness.  Like USC, they always seem to find a way to blow a game though, and Oklahoma and Okie St. are still on the schedule.

Cincinnati - They beat Goliath-killer Fresno State, something Wisconsin couldn't do a few years back.  It's too bad college teams can't make trades, because I would like to offer Jonathan Crompton, Nick Stephens, and two players to be named later for Tony Pike.  Imagine what UT could do with Pike, like probably cover the spread against Ohio.

TCU - Impressive beating Clemson in Death Valley.  Too bad it wasn't over a Fulmer-led Clemson team, cause that would have been AWESOME!

Losers:

Miami - When everyone on the ESPN Gameday panel picks you to win, be afraid.  So much for the undefeated season and a Heisman for Harris. . .darn, I hate that.  For the record, I called this one, ask the guys in my confidence pool if you don't believe me.

Cal - I know it was on the road and I know it was against Oregon, but seriously Cal?  Again?  Is it some No-Cal liberal thing that you have to spread the wealth and let an inferior opponent get a big win each year?   That's very bleeding heart of you.

Penn State - Doh!  Okay, you got beat by an Iowa team that looks pretty good, but that was a little embarrassing after being up 10 to 0.

Florida State - Wait, Joe Pa's team and Bobby's team lost at home to underdogs?  I'm sensing a theme here.

Urban Meyer - Your team won, but unlike last week, you didn't play conservative (wink, wink) when you had the game in hand.  Up 34 to 7, Tebow drops back to pass, and this was the result. . .

Tennessee Fans - Come on, did we really feel good about that win over Ohio?  Especially after watching what happens when we try to "open up the offense."  I'm all for shuttin' er down the rest of the way and takin' our chances.  Unfortunately, this is what we're going to have to watch the rest of the year.  But this is a three year plan, so years one and two can be rocky, year three has to be MUCH improved.

Washington - Are they the Chumbawamba of this college football season?  I think so.  Not in that they get knocked down and get up again, but in the fact that like Washington these guys had a big hit once and now you're like, huh?  Who's the heck is that?

Lucky S.O.B.s

Notre Dame - For the second week in a row, Charlie Weis and the Irish pull a win from their backsides.  They're lucky they've got the Big Guy on their side (no not Weis, THE Big Guy) or they would be 1-3 and convening the search committee.

Michigan - Okay, two of my least favorite teams (see also above) pulled wins out this week.  Michigan almost blew one to IU in the Big House and I for one would have loved to see that.  Indiana got sk-rewed on that interception call.

LSU - Third and Chavis should have resulted in a loss, but MSU couldn't get into the endzone when it mattered.

Me - As always, the luckiest SOB of them all.  A great wife, the smartest kids in the world, great friends and a good job.  All that and I feel the need to blog. . .go figure.

visit my blog at http://stickdaddy.wordpress.com

Posted on: February 12, 2008 10:59 am
 

What's in a Name?

Yesterday I went down to the Parks and Rec office to sign up our company softball team for the spring league.  When I did, I noticed a team that had already signed up by the name of Morning Lumber.  Of course, being someone who still laughs at fart sounds and upon seeing other men get hit in the groin, I got a snicker out of their name (ha,ha lumber = wood, I get it).  It made me think about all of the stupid rec team names that us guys come up with. 

Examples:

The Awesome Juggernaunts - I played against this team in a basketball league. . .they had "Awesome Juggs" on their jerseys.  My wife refused to attend any game when we played them :)

The 69'ers - This team from a flag football league I played in went for the easy, and not at all creative joke. . .and their name was banned after their first season.

Balls Deep - Another softball team I played against. . .they apparently thought they would hit a lot of home runs or something.  Turns out they were horrible and could barely hit it past the infield.  Ah, sweet irony. . .

Drunk Again and Looking to Score - I came across this one on another blog somewhere. . .it was from a kickball team in Minnesota.  I thought it was good, so I included it  :)

I know you guys and gals have some more. . .so let's hear 'em. . .

Category: General
Posted on: February 11, 2008 8:47 am
Edited on: February 11, 2008 11:24 am
 

Some Things I Will Never Understand. . .

Trust me, I know the Super Bowl is one dead horse that has been beaten to death over the past week or so, but some of my buddies and I were talking down at the Y about how none of us could understand why "The Hoodie" would go for a 4th and 13 in the first half of the game, especially with a lead.  Of course, since my mind tends to wander, I began thinking about other things I will never understand. . .

My Wife's Suggestive Statements:  Here's an example. . .My wife will say "Wow, that trash looks really full!"  Instead of just saying "Hey, could you take out the trash?"  Or "Gee, that shirt has a lot of wrinkles." Instead of saying, "Hey dumba$$, change your shirt or I'm not going anywhere with you."

Writing Checks:  I was behind a lady in the grocery store who took out her check book and proceeded to write a check.  Really, who doesn't have a debit card at this point?!?!

My Dad's Choice in Programming:  Everytime I go over there, he's watching the Golf Channel, no matter what day or time of day it is.  I never realized how many people who play golf are also bald and struggle with ED. . .because those are the only companies advertising on that channel.

Dangling Cigarettes:  How are some smokers able to perfect the "dangling cigarette". . .they are able to talk and do all other kinds of things while the cigarette just dangles from their bottom lip.  That has always amazed me.  I was at a softball tournament one time when this guy gets up to bat with a dangling cigarette, hits the ball, and runs all the way to second base without ever touching it. . .one of the best tricks I have ever seen in my life.

Merge Lanes:   Why do people drive all the way to the end of a merge lane and then stop. . .doesn't that defeat the whole purpose?!?!

Talking in the Bathroom:  Why do some guys try to keep a conversation going once they enter a bathroom stall?  There's a rule, once you close the door, the conversation is over, man. . .

I'm sure you guys have some things that baffle you. . .lay 'em on me. . .

Category: General
Posted on: February 7, 2008 11:31 pm
Edited on: February 8, 2008 9:25 am
 

Spygate: The Movie

It's coming guys!  Just when you thought you would lose it if you heard anyone in the media say the word "Spygate" again, Spygate the Movie is heading to a screen near you.  I'm putting together the treatment as we speak and my agent (who also sales used washers and dryers on the side) will be pitching it to the big wigs over at NFL Network next week.  Anyway, as part of the big pitch, I'm putting together a potential cast list. . .what do you think?

Bill Belichick - Dennis Quaid

Eric Mangini - Sean Astin

Tom Brady - Brian Austin Green

Randy Moss - Ludacris

Tedy Bruschi - Mario Lopez

Wes Welker - Macaulay Culkin

Commissioner Roger Goodell - Conan O'Brien

Sentor Arlen Spector - Oscar the Grouch

Pats Cameraman Matt Walsh - Jason Priestley

Eli Manning - Peyton Manning

Special and Hopefully Partially Nude Appearance by Giselle Bundchen

Assuming we get the green light, look for it to be realeased soon on the big screen. . .or possibly strait to DVD. . .or worst case scenario on Youtube. . .

 

Posted on: February 7, 2008 10:10 am
Edited on: February 7, 2008 3:20 pm
 

Best Sports-Related Childhood Memories

Okay, so today's my birthday. . .how did I know, cause I come into work and my office is trashed with streamers, banners and birthday confetti.  I'm getting old, and I know that because all I can think of is how big of a damn mess this is and how long it will take me to clean it up  :)

Anyway, since I'm offically 33 today I think I've earned the right to be a little introspective and think about my bests sports-related childhood memories.  I'd like to hear yours too.  Then tomorrow, its back to being totally ridiculous and juveline, cause it keeps me feeling young. . . 

My One Football Helmet:  For my 8th birtday, I got a Dallas Cowboys football uniform.  I remember the helmet that came with it was almost like a real helmet, not like the crappy plastic ones that kids get today.  You could definitely do some damage to your buddies with those old ones.  I remember that when I wanted a new uniform my dad decided I could just get another jersey and he would paint  a new logo on the helmet for me.  I kept naming team helmets that I wanted but he kept making me pick a different one because the logo was too hard to paint.  Finally he limited my choices to the Bears or the Browns, so I went with the Bears.  Then the next year I was a Brown. . .

Baseball Cards:  I used to have tons of these, I'm sure everyone else did two, but my dad found some deal on boxes of  Donruss cards so I had tons and tons of those cards.  I loved the Rated Rookies.  In ten years I'm selling all my B.J. Surhoff and Greg Jefferies rookie cards and retiring.  It's gonna be sweet. . .

Wrestling:  Man, did I love to watch the WWF.  We used to go over to my friend's house. . .you know the rich one with the HUGE satellite dish in his back yard, and watch all of the pay-per-view events.  I loved all the old guys like Hulk Hogan (before he was a dad), the Macho Man, the Junk Yard Dog, the Iron Sheik, CoCo Beware, Hacksaw Jim Duggan and of course Andre the Giant.  After the events we all went outside and tried out all the moves. . .this was of course before lawsuits.  When we got in trouble and had to come in, we would go to his room and crank Living on a Prayer on his record player and all rock out.  And in case you are wondering. . .no. . .we're all married to women now. . .

Little League:  I loved spending the summer at the ball field.  The ball games were fun, but it was also like my first social event. . .we would stay and play cupball (baseball with a paper cup) and chase girls around.  I met my first girlfriend at the ball field.  We were together for about two days, then she broke up with me at the skating rink to be with this mysterious guy from another middle school. . .I was pretty upset until mom bought me some nachos. . .then it was all good :)

The Dr. J vs. Bird/Double Dribble Debate:  I had one, my cousin had the other.  I liked Dr. J vs. Bird just because they were two of my favorite players AND you could break the backboard when you dunked the ball.  It was cool to see the glass break and to see the little janitor come out and clean up the glass.  Plus, Larry Bird could actually dunk on the video game, so it was awesome.  My cousin, who was younger, liked Double Dribble because it was for this new thing called a Nintendo and had better graphics. . .I guess I was just old school even back then. . .

Okay, that's my day spent looking back on some cool moments from my childhood.  I'd like to hear about some of yours. . .

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com