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Tag:Satire
Posted on: February 7, 2008 11:31 pm
Edited on: February 8, 2008 9:25 am
 

Spygate: The Movie

It's coming guys!  Just when you thought you would lose it if you heard anyone in the media say the word "Spygate" again, Spygate the Movie is heading to a screen near you.  I'm putting together the treatment as we speak and my agent (who also sales used washers and dryers on the side) will be pitching it to the big wigs over at NFL Network next week.  Anyway, as part of the big pitch, I'm putting together a potential cast list. . .what do you think?

Bill Belichick - Dennis Quaid

Eric Mangini - Sean Astin

Tom Brady - Brian Austin Green

Randy Moss - Ludacris

Tedy Bruschi - Mario Lopez

Wes Welker - Macaulay Culkin

Commissioner Roger Goodell - Conan O'Brien

Sentor Arlen Spector - Oscar the Grouch

Pats Cameraman Matt Walsh - Jason Priestley

Eli Manning - Peyton Manning

Special and Hopefully Partially Nude Appearance by Giselle Bundchen

Assuming we get the green light, look for it to be realeased soon on the big screen. . .or possibly strait to DVD. . .or worst case scenario on Youtube. . .

 

Posted on: February 6, 2008 10:40 am
Edited on: February 6, 2008 2:58 pm
 

Do You Prefer Breasts or Legs?

They ask me that question every time I order the 3 piece meal at KFC, and no matter how many times I hear it I always snicker like a third grader.  Random thought I know. . .but at least it got you to read my blog :)

Today my blog entry really is about nothing, and so I thought I would pay homage to the namesake of this blog. . .the best show ever invented by humans. . .Seinfeld.

What's your favorite Seinfeld episode?  Here are some of mine, though its hard to choose because I love them all. . .

The one with the roommate swap

The one where Kramer and Newman are making sausage in Jerry's apartment

The one where George flies all the way to Ohio to use his Jerk Store line

The one where George and Lloyd Braun are selling computers out of Frank's garage. . ."Serinety Now"

and of course, the "Ass Man" episode. . .see, there's my answer to the Breasts or Legs question. . .next time I order I'm gonna say "Neither, I'm an Ass man."  At which point my wife will slap me from the passengers seat. . .

 

Posted on: February 5, 2008 10:12 am
 

Dear Fabulous Females of Sportsline. . .

. . .and you guys too.  A female co-worker of mine is dating this guy and she has been forever.  She's upset because he hasn't asked her to marry him yet and she's starting to think he doesn't love her.  I told her it has nothing to do with that, and it has everything to do with every guy's fear of commitment.  I used the following analogy to explain.  Here's how it went down. . .

Okay (female co-worker), I want you to think about your favorite chocolate candy in the whole world, you can pick anything, (brief pause while she thought about it).  Got it?  Okay good. . .

Now imagine that you can have the opportunity, dare I say privilege and honor, of having a lifetime supply of that candy AND you can eat it whenever and wherever you want (okay guys, I know the whenever and wherever part is a stretch, but bear with me).  Sound great, right, but there are just a few conditions:

First, by agreeing to accept the lifetime supply of your favorite chocolate, you have to agree to give up every other kind of chocolate candy in the world forever, and this even includes that new, young chocolate candy that is on all the shelves.

Second, when you commit to your favorite chocolate, all other kinds of chocolate will be paraded in front of you on a daily basis, and you'll notice it more than ever before.  You'll see hot chocolate in commercials, and on magazine covers, and you will notice that dark chocolate bar next to you in line at the grocery store. . .And not that any of this other chocolate is better than your chocolate at home, it will just be different, that's all.

And lastly, your man will go out of his way to point out other chocolate candy to you all the time by saying things like "That chocolate looks smooth and creamy doesn't it?" or "That chocolate bar has big mounds. . .you like big mounds don't you?" or "Can you believe the slutty wrapper that chocolate has on?!?!"  Then he'll just wait for you to answer and when you do, he'll get mad, go to be early, and leave you sleeping on the couch, dreaming about the chocolate bar with the big mounds. . .

See (female co-worker), now do you understand why its hard for him to take the plunge?  :)

For some reason it didn't make her feel better, even when I told her I was happily married with two beautiful kids.  Maybe she'll talk to me next week. . .

Posted on: February 4, 2008 9:43 am
 

The Super Bowl Ads got me to thinkin'

I know, dangerous proposition. . .but I was thinking about all those company slogans out there, and how they should really be translated.  Here are some of mine, feel free to add your own.

Citigroup:  "Live richly" . . .  then when you can't pay us back, file Bankruptcy and live poorly.

Burger King:  "Have it your way" . . .unless we're short staffed that day in which case you will take what we make and like it, mister.

Staples:  "That was easy" . . . except for the part when I asked your "expert" a tech question and he had no idea what I was talking about.  That part wasn't easy and was in fact really frustrating and a total waste of my time.

Greyhound:  "Leave the driving to us" . . . unless you can't stand the smell of B.O. and stale urine in which case you might want to drive.

Las Vegas:  "What happens here stays here" . . . except for the rashes, they usually take about 4 to 6 weeks to go away.

Taco Bell:  "Run for the Border" . . .or the nearest restroom, whichever is closer.

 
 
 
 
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com