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Tag:humor
Posted on: February 7, 2008 11:31 pm
Edited on: February 8, 2008 9:25 am
 

Spygate: The Movie

It's coming guys!  Just when you thought you would lose it if you heard anyone in the media say the word "Spygate" again, Spygate the Movie is heading to a screen near you.  I'm putting together the treatment as we speak and my agent (who also sales used washers and dryers on the side) will be pitching it to the big wigs over at NFL Network next week.  Anyway, as part of the big pitch, I'm putting together a potential cast list. . .what do you think?

Bill Belichick - Dennis Quaid

Eric Mangini - Sean Astin

Tom Brady - Brian Austin Green

Randy Moss - Ludacris

Tedy Bruschi - Mario Lopez

Wes Welker - Macaulay Culkin

Commissioner Roger Goodell - Conan O'Brien

Sentor Arlen Spector - Oscar the Grouch

Pats Cameraman Matt Walsh - Jason Priestley

Eli Manning - Peyton Manning

Special and Hopefully Partially Nude Appearance by Giselle Bundchen

Assuming we get the green light, look for it to be realeased soon on the big screen. . .or possibly strait to DVD. . .or worst case scenario on Youtube. . .

 

Posted on: February 7, 2008 10:10 am
Edited on: February 7, 2008 3:20 pm
 

Best Sports-Related Childhood Memories

Okay, so today's my birthday. . .how did I know, cause I come into work and my office is trashed with streamers, banners and birthday confetti.  I'm getting old, and I know that because all I can think of is how big of a damn mess this is and how long it will take me to clean it up  :)

Anyway, since I'm offically 33 today I think I've earned the right to be a little introspective and think about my bests sports-related childhood memories.  I'd like to hear yours too.  Then tomorrow, its back to being totally ridiculous and juveline, cause it keeps me feeling young. . . 

My One Football Helmet:  For my 8th birtday, I got a Dallas Cowboys football uniform.  I remember the helmet that came with it was almost like a real helmet, not like the crappy plastic ones that kids get today.  You could definitely do some damage to your buddies with those old ones.  I remember that when I wanted a new uniform my dad decided I could just get another jersey and he would paint  a new logo on the helmet for me.  I kept naming team helmets that I wanted but he kept making me pick a different one because the logo was too hard to paint.  Finally he limited my choices to the Bears or the Browns, so I went with the Bears.  Then the next year I was a Brown. . .

Baseball Cards:  I used to have tons of these, I'm sure everyone else did two, but my dad found some deal on boxes of  Donruss cards so I had tons and tons of those cards.  I loved the Rated Rookies.  In ten years I'm selling all my B.J. Surhoff and Greg Jefferies rookie cards and retiring.  It's gonna be sweet. . .

Wrestling:  Man, did I love to watch the WWF.  We used to go over to my friend's house. . .you know the rich one with the HUGE satellite dish in his back yard, and watch all of the pay-per-view events.  I loved all the old guys like Hulk Hogan (before he was a dad), the Macho Man, the Junk Yard Dog, the Iron Sheik, CoCo Beware, Hacksaw Jim Duggan and of course Andre the Giant.  After the events we all went outside and tried out all the moves. . .this was of course before lawsuits.  When we got in trouble and had to come in, we would go to his room and crank Living on a Prayer on his record player and all rock out.  And in case you are wondering. . .no. . .we're all married to women now. . .

Little League:  I loved spending the summer at the ball field.  The ball games were fun, but it was also like my first social event. . .we would stay and play cupball (baseball with a paper cup) and chase girls around.  I met my first girlfriend at the ball field.  We were together for about two days, then she broke up with me at the skating rink to be with this mysterious guy from another middle school. . .I was pretty upset until mom bought me some nachos. . .then it was all good :)

The Dr. J vs. Bird/Double Dribble Debate:  I had one, my cousin had the other.  I liked Dr. J vs. Bird just because they were two of my favorite players AND you could break the backboard when you dunked the ball.  It was cool to see the glass break and to see the little janitor come out and clean up the glass.  Plus, Larry Bird could actually dunk on the video game, so it was awesome.  My cousin, who was younger, liked Double Dribble because it was for this new thing called a Nintendo and had better graphics. . .I guess I was just old school even back then. . .

Okay, that's my day spent looking back on some cool moments from my childhood.  I'd like to hear about some of yours. . .

 

 

 

Posted on: February 6, 2008 10:40 am
Edited on: February 6, 2008 2:58 pm
 

Do You Prefer Breasts or Legs?

They ask me that question every time I order the 3 piece meal at KFC, and no matter how many times I hear it I always snicker like a third grader.  Random thought I know. . .but at least it got you to read my blog :)

Today my blog entry really is about nothing, and so I thought I would pay homage to the namesake of this blog. . .the best show ever invented by humans. . .Seinfeld.

What's your favorite Seinfeld episode?  Here are some of mine, though its hard to choose because I love them all. . .

The one with the roommate swap

The one where Kramer and Newman are making sausage in Jerry's apartment

The one where George flies all the way to Ohio to use his Jerk Store line

The one where George and Lloyd Braun are selling computers out of Frank's garage. . ."Serinety Now"

and of course, the "Ass Man" episode. . .see, there's my answer to the Breasts or Legs question. . .next time I order I'm gonna say "Neither, I'm an Ass man."  At which point my wife will slap me from the passengers seat. . .

 

Posted on: February 5, 2008 10:12 am
 

Dear Fabulous Females of Sportsline. . .

. . .and you guys too.  A female co-worker of mine is dating this guy and she has been forever.  She's upset because he hasn't asked her to marry him yet and she's starting to think he doesn't love her.  I told her it has nothing to do with that, and it has everything to do with every guy's fear of commitment.  I used the following analogy to explain.  Here's how it went down. . .

Okay (female co-worker), I want you to think about your favorite chocolate candy in the whole world, you can pick anything, (brief pause while she thought about it).  Got it?  Okay good. . .

Now imagine that you can have the opportunity, dare I say privilege and honor, of having a lifetime supply of that candy AND you can eat it whenever and wherever you want (okay guys, I know the whenever and wherever part is a stretch, but bear with me).  Sound great, right, but there are just a few conditions:

First, by agreeing to accept the lifetime supply of your favorite chocolate, you have to agree to give up every other kind of chocolate candy in the world forever, and this even includes that new, young chocolate candy that is on all the shelves.

Second, when you commit to your favorite chocolate, all other kinds of chocolate will be paraded in front of you on a daily basis, and you'll notice it more than ever before.  You'll see hot chocolate in commercials, and on magazine covers, and you will notice that dark chocolate bar next to you in line at the grocery store. . .And not that any of this other chocolate is better than your chocolate at home, it will just be different, that's all.

And lastly, your man will go out of his way to point out other chocolate candy to you all the time by saying things like "That chocolate looks smooth and creamy doesn't it?" or "That chocolate bar has big mounds. . .you like big mounds don't you?" or "Can you believe the slutty wrapper that chocolate has on?!?!"  Then he'll just wait for you to answer and when you do, he'll get mad, go to be early, and leave you sleeping on the couch, dreaming about the chocolate bar with the big mounds. . .

See (female co-worker), now do you understand why its hard for him to take the plunge?  :)

For some reason it didn't make her feel better, even when I told her I was happily married with two beautiful kids.  Maybe she'll talk to me next week. . .

Posted on: February 4, 2008 9:43 am
 

The Super Bowl Ads got me to thinkin'

I know, dangerous proposition. . .but I was thinking about all those company slogans out there, and how they should really be translated.  Here are some of mine, feel free to add your own.

Citigroup:  "Live richly" . . .  then when you can't pay us back, file Bankruptcy and live poorly.

Burger King:  "Have it your way" . . .unless we're short staffed that day in which case you will take what we make and like it, mister.

Staples:  "That was easy" . . . except for the part when I asked your "expert" a tech question and he had no idea what I was talking about.  That part wasn't easy and was in fact really frustrating and a total waste of my time.

Greyhound:  "Leave the driving to us" . . . unless you can't stand the smell of B.O. and stale urine in which case you might want to drive.

Las Vegas:  "What happens here stays here" . . . except for the rashes, they usually take about 4 to 6 weeks to go away.

Taco Bell:  "Run for the Border" . . .or the nearest restroom, whichever is closer.

Posted on: January 31, 2008 9:35 am
 

I like to market myself. . .

Here's an actual cover letter I sent for a Marketing job in Chi-town. . .I never heard back. . .why?!?!

Dear Specific Person(s) who is/are/might be Reading this Letter: I have reviewed your website and I see that you are looking for employees who are highly creative, intelligent individuals who are willing to take on any task assigned to them.  I am forwarding you my resume on the off chance that none of those people have or will apply. As you review my resume, it may appear that my marketing experience is limited, but you should know that my real marketing expereince has been forged in the School of Life, or SoL as I call it.  For example, back in my college days I became quite proficient at marketing myself to members of the opposite sex.  Sure I floundered at first, but over time I became skilled at drawing in new clientele, though I did struggle to gain any repeat business.  I have also successfully mastered the art of persuasion.  During the last two Presidental elections, I was able to convice my wife to vote for Bush while I secretly voted for Gore and Kerry, just so I could have 8 years of "I told you so"s to use in arguments.  Currently, I am in intense negotiations with my 2 year old to convince her to use the potty so that I can be relieved of diaper duty.  Thus far, she has proved to be a shrewd negotiator. As for my work attitude, I believe it can be best described by comparing myself to a character from one of my favorite shows, "The Office."  If you watch the show, I am just like the guy who sat in the back of the office next to Creed who got fired by Michael in the Halloween episode, I think his name was Devon.  By that I mean I am content to work behind the scenes, to be a minor character if you will, but I will probably get really pi$$ed if I get fired for no reason. Thank you in advance for taking the time to review my resume.  I am too old and too settled to be an intern, but I hope to someday be qualified to submit work on a freelance basis.  Also, I enjoy my current job and who really wants to move to Chicago anyway.  At the very least, I hope you have enjoyed reading my letter as much as I have enjoyed writing it.  I am glad I have done my small part to contribute to your company's recycling goals. Truly Affectionate and Sincerely Yours,
 
 
 
 
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com