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Tag:women
Posted on: February 5, 2008 10:12 am
 

Dear Fabulous Females of Sportsline. . .

. . .and you guys too.  A female co-worker of mine is dating this guy and she has been forever.  She's upset because he hasn't asked her to marry him yet and she's starting to think he doesn't love her.  I told her it has nothing to do with that, and it has everything to do with every guy's fear of commitment.  I used the following analogy to explain.  Here's how it went down. . .

Okay (female co-worker), I want you to think about your favorite chocolate candy in the whole world, you can pick anything, (brief pause while she thought about it).  Got it?  Okay good. . .

Now imagine that you can have the opportunity, dare I say privilege and honor, of having a lifetime supply of that candy AND you can eat it whenever and wherever you want (okay guys, I know the whenever and wherever part is a stretch, but bear with me).  Sound great, right, but there are just a few conditions:

First, by agreeing to accept the lifetime supply of your favorite chocolate, you have to agree to give up every other kind of chocolate candy in the world forever, and this even includes that new, young chocolate candy that is on all the shelves.

Second, when you commit to your favorite chocolate, all other kinds of chocolate will be paraded in front of you on a daily basis, and you'll notice it more than ever before.  You'll see hot chocolate in commercials, and on magazine covers, and you will notice that dark chocolate bar next to you in line at the grocery store. . .And not that any of this other chocolate is better than your chocolate at home, it will just be different, that's all.

And lastly, your man will go out of his way to point out other chocolate candy to you all the time by saying things like "That chocolate looks smooth and creamy doesn't it?" or "That chocolate bar has big mounds. . .you like big mounds don't you?" or "Can you believe the slutty wrapper that chocolate has on?!?!"  Then he'll just wait for you to answer and when you do, he'll get mad, go to be early, and leave you sleeping on the couch, dreaming about the chocolate bar with the big mounds. . .

See (female co-worker), now do you understand why its hard for him to take the plunge?  :)

For some reason it didn't make her feel better, even when I told her I was happily married with two beautiful kids.  Maybe she'll talk to me next week. . .

Posted on: January 31, 2008 9:35 am
 

I like to market myself. . .

Here's an actual cover letter I sent for a Marketing job in Chi-town. . .I never heard back. . .why?!?!

Dear Specific Person(s) who is/are/might be Reading this Letter: I have reviewed your website and I see that you are looking for employees who are highly creative, intelligent individuals who are willing to take on any task assigned to them.  I am forwarding you my resume on the off chance that none of those people have or will apply. As you review my resume, it may appear that my marketing experience is limited, but you should know that my real marketing expereince has been forged in the School of Life, or SoL as I call it.  For example, back in my college days I became quite proficient at marketing myself to members of the opposite sex.  Sure I floundered at first, but over time I became skilled at drawing in new clientele, though I did struggle to gain any repeat business.  I have also successfully mastered the art of persuasion.  During the last two Presidental elections, I was able to convice my wife to vote for Bush while I secretly voted for Gore and Kerry, just so I could have 8 years of "I told you so"s to use in arguments.  Currently, I am in intense negotiations with my 2 year old to convince her to use the potty so that I can be relieved of diaper duty.  Thus far, she has proved to be a shrewd negotiator. As for my work attitude, I believe it can be best described by comparing myself to a character from one of my favorite shows, "The Office."  If you watch the show, I am just like the guy who sat in the back of the office next to Creed who got fired by Michael in the Halloween episode, I think his name was Devon.  By that I mean I am content to work behind the scenes, to be a minor character if you will, but I will probably get really pi$$ed if I get fired for no reason. Thank you in advance for taking the time to review my resume.  I am too old and too settled to be an intern, but I hope to someday be qualified to submit work on a freelance basis.  Also, I enjoy my current job and who really wants to move to Chicago anyway.  At the very least, I hope you have enjoyed reading my letter as much as I have enjoyed writing it.  I am glad I have done my small part to contribute to your company's recycling goals. Truly Affectionate and Sincerely Yours,
 
 
 
 
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